![]() Ovid is really clear on this point that these wings are made out of wax, feathers, twine and reeds, but presumably using the twine that Minos the idiot left in the tower to make some sort of ladder just isn’t a pimpin’ enough option for Daedalus, who prefers his escape plans to be over-designed and flashy as disco testicles. Because hey, he hasn’t got the time or the patience to go Rapunzel on this shit he’s just going to fly the fuck out of there, like Birdman.Īfter a few months, Daedalus has made these two awesome pairs of wings. Not on the paternity test, though - on the bitchin’ BIRD WINGS that he’s making. ![]() Picking up the aforementioned unlimited supply of bird feathers and candle wax, Daedalus is like “hey Icarus, don’t even worry right now, we’ll be out of here in a flash” and Icarus is like “whatever dad, just do something with that unlimited supply of bird feathers and candle wax and LEAVE ME ALONE, you don’t even know what I’m going through right now” and Daedalus makes a mental note to get that paternity test he’s been meaning to get for a while, and gets to work. Apparently, Minos never thinks even for a second to get rid of the seemingly unlimited supply of candle wax and bird feathers that are inexplicably present in this tower, and no sooner has Daedalus been shoved through the tower door by an underpaid guard on Minos’ payroll, he has an escape plan. He is margarine on a bit of floppy bread stuck behind the fridge.Īnyway. He is not merely a sandwich short of a picnic he is a filling short of a sandwich. There are no existing metaphors to describe Icarus’ dull wit, except to say that he is so dull that he would probably get lost in a universe of beige. ![]() Heck, he’s not even the sharpest tool in a shed full of tools discarded because they are no longer sharp enough to cut through crepe paper. He’s the kind of guy who spends the entire Geography lesson talking about what happened last night on Waterloo Road and can’t even remember if Africa is a country or a continent. Secondly, I really have to make it clear right now that, despite his dad’s renowned intellectual brilliance, Icarus is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Firstly, Minos was clearly a fucking idiot, because at no point did he think ‘hang on a minute, this dude is basically Archie from Balamory*, he could probably construct the Hadron Collider out of tin foil and bits of paper cups, maybe I should check out that tower and make sure it’s free of any and all potential building materials before I shove this guy in there’. I mean, we need to get this out of the way right now. Whatever his reasoning, Daedalus is now languishing in his tower, along with his idiot spawn. Presumably, Minos is just really, really hyper-aware that it would be bad news for the popularity polls if word got out that his wife had fucked a cow and sired a half-bull monstrosity. In yet another previous myth, Daedalus had built a life-size cow suit for a cursed queen who had fallen in love with a bull, enabling both rampant bestiality and the conception of the aforementioned minotaur, but that’s yet another myth for a much darker day.Īnyway, once he’s contracted Daedalus to build this labyrinth to imprison the bad apple on his family tree, Minos then suffers from a fit of kingly paranoia and shoves Daedalus into a tower, along with his son, Icarus, so that Daedalus won’t tell anyone the layout of the labyrinth and release Minos’ hideous stepson. Now, in a previous myth, Daedalus had been contracted on a self-employed freelance basis by King Minos of Crete to build a massive labyrinth in which to house the king’s stepson, a hideous man-bull-beast named the minotaur (and that’s a myth for another day). Name anything, and Daedalus probably invented it (and Thomas Edison probably took the credit). The most important thing that you have to keep in mind about this dude is that he’s the world’s best inventor and architect. ![]() OK, so this story starts with a dude named Daedalus. Relevant historical / literary info under the Read More, as always! I 400% can, sweet anon! Anyone who doesn’t want to read a badly told story about Ancient Greece’s very own Houdini should probably press J on their keyboard now as this is pretty long. Anonymous asked: "can you do the myth of icarus?"
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